


Learning How To Heal

by SummerStormFlower



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Character Death, Child Abandonment, Cole has a baby, Cole is a dad, Crying, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Grieving, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity Issues, Jay is sad, Kai is also sad, Lots of Crying, Low Self-Esteem, Mourning, Self-Worth Issues, Sibling Love, Single Father, Therapy, and I forgot to mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26228908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SummerStormFlower/pseuds/SummerStormFlower
Summary: After Nya dies in battle, the ninja retire and split up. Kai stays to take care of a grieving Jay who’s lost the will to live.
Relationships: Cole & Lloyd Garmadon & Kai & Jay Walker & Zane, Kai & Jay Walker, Nya/Jay Walker
Comments: 13
Kudos: 44
Collections: The_Newbie's Ninjago Fanfic Collection





	Learning How To Heal

‘How long has it been?’ Jay wonders to himself. A few weeks? A month? It feels like it’s been an eternity. Of pain, of grief, of despair... of hopelessness. 

Without Nya, there is no hope. No happiness. Jay doesn’t have a life anymore. The days and the nights both tick by without meaning. Time doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters to Jay anymore. He’s not living life. He’s not alive, not on the inside. Life without Nya is no life at all. 

Jay feels nothing but sadness. He’s tired, he’s dull, he’s numb. He’s an empty shell. He has nothing to live for. All he does is lay in bed and cry. He doesn’t even eat... Well he wouldn’t eat if Kai didn’t make him. 

After Nya died, they all fell apart. And then they decided to quit being ninja. Or take a break from it, at least.

Cole went to live with his dad, Jay’s pretty sure. Zane just sorta disappeared. And Lloyd went somewhere with his mom. At least, that’s what Kai told Jay. To be honest, Jay doesn’t care about the others right now. He’s too broken to care about anything. 

Kai stayed with him. He took him to his family’s blacksmith shop in his hometown, and they’ve been there since. 

Kai’s been the one taking care of him, since Jay stopped. He makes him eat, makes him go outside, makes him shower, makes him do all the things Jay’s lost the will to do. 

Jay doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want any of it. But Kai doesn’t stop caring. No matter how rude, how ungrateful, or how much Jay’s given up, Kai doesn’t stop caring. Just yells at him and drags him out of bed.

Jay doesn’t understand. Kai is grieving too. His little sister’s dead, for crying out loud. Yet Kai is... is...

Strong.

Jay doesn’t understand. All he wants is to lay still and waste away. He doesn’t want to be strong.

“JAY! For the last time, GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE! IT’S DINNERTIME!” Kai’s voice practically shakes the whole house. 

Jay doesn’t answer. 

He hears Kai stomping up the stairs. Then his door bursts open and Jay pulls his blanket over his head at the flood of light. 

“Get up,” Kai tells him, a little quieter. Softer. “You need to eat.”

Jay shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”

“You need to.”

“I don’t care!” Jay shouts, a burst of anger welling up in his chest. 

Kai sighs. Jay suddenly feels his hand on his shoulder. “Jay—“

“No, I can’t—“ The anger is gone as soon as it comes, and despair floods him from head to toe. He’s shaking from the pain in his heart, tears running down his face. He’s so tired of crying. “I can’t.” He misses Nya. 

Kai grabs his shoulder again. “Yes, you can.”

Jay shakes his head, trembling and sobbing. “I can’t, I can’t, I—“

“You can,” Kai repeats sternly, “You’re not yourself, but you can find yourself again.”

Jay coughs on a painful sob. “I don’t want to! I want Nya!” He curls in on himself, just wishing he could disappear and stop feeling. Stop missing her. It hurts. He sees her face in all his dreams. He can’t go on like this. 

Kai’s quiet for a moment. Then Jay feels a gentle hand on his head over the blanket. 

“I know you do,” Kai whispers, “I want her back too.”

Jay scrubs at his face, but the tears just keep coming. 

“But that’s not how it works,” Kai continues, “And there’s nothing you or me can do about it. 

Jay hiccups. “I can’t.”

“You can. Nya would want you to,” Kai says. 

“No. I can’t—“

“You can. And I’m gonna keep saying that, until I get it through your stupid thick skull.”  
______________________________________

Time passes. It doesn’t get any easier. All Jay does is cry. He cries until he falls asleep, then dreams about Nya, then wakes up and cries again.

At this point, he wishes he was the one who’d died. 

Jay makes the mistake of saying that to Kai, and Kai slaps him upside the head so hard, it leaves a mark. 

“Don’t ever say that again,” Kai hisses hotly, eyes aflame with fierce protective love. “Your life is precious, Jay. And if you had died, then everyone who cares about you would mourn you.”

That doesn’t make sense to Jay. It doesn’t sound right. 

“But not as much!” he exclaims, rubbing at his head. 

Kai freezes, eyebrows shooting up. “What?”

“Not as much,” Jay says again, feeling tears burning his eyes. Good lord, he’s so tired of crying. “Nobody would mourn me as much as Nya.”

Kai looks utterly horrified. “Jay, can you even HEAR yourself?! Your life is not less important than Nya’s was!”

“Yes, it is!” Jay sobs in denial. “Nya deserved the stars! She was so smart, and beautiful, and sweet, and strong, and—“

“Jay—“

“And she deserved someone better than me! She deserved to be loved by someone strong—“

“Jay—“

“And you would have her and not me—“

Kai slaps him again, immediately silencing all the thoughts in Jay’s mind. All Jay can hear is the ringing inside his ears. 

“Believe it or not. You are priceless, Jay,” Kai tells him, voice laced in stern love. “And I would never choose Nya—or anyone else—over you.”

Jay sniffles and frowns. “But she was your sister,” he protests. 

“And you’re my brother,” Kai says. His face softens. “I could never choose between any of my siblings.”

Jay’s sobs start up again. “But I’m weak. I’m stupid. I’m annoying. I’m worthless. I—“

“You’re grieving,” Kai says. “And grief has its course.”

Jay folds in on himself, sniffling and whimpering. “I don’t want to feel this pain anymore,” he says shakily. 

Kai thinks for a moment. Then he says, “I think you need therapy.”

Jay shakes his head vehemently. “I don’t want therapy.”

“I didn’t say you wanted it. I said you need it.”  
______________________________________

Kai gets him a therapist. Jay... hates to admit it, but it helps a little.   
______________________________________

More time passes. It finally gets a little easier. Just a little. Jay has the energy to get out of bed now. He has better days. His heart doesn’t feel as heavy. 

He still finds it hard to smile without feeling guilty about it. It feels so wrong to be happy without Nya. It feels like a betrayal when he doesn’t think about her every minute of everyday. 

Kai tells him what he’s feeling is normal. 

“But you don’t have to think about her every breathing second,” says Kai. He’s doing the dishes and he flicks some water at Jay. “You’ll never forget her, even if you don’t always think about her. And you know Nya would want you to be happy.”

Jay does know that. Nya always wanted him to be happy. While he is doing better than before, he’s still a long way from being happy however. He still doesn’t know if he’ll ever be completely happy again. 

One thing’s certain; he’ll never be as happy as he was when he was with Nya. 

Kai suddenly splashes him. “Hey! I see your thinking face. You’re supposed to share your thoughts with me!” 

An exercise Jay’s therapist had given him. He had to share his thoughts with someone he could trust. That would be Kai. Kai was taking his role very seriously. 

Jay sighs, drying his face. “I was just thinking... that there will never be another Nya,” he says. 

Kai nods in understanding. “You’re right. There won’t.”

Jay rubs his wrist. “I don’t think—no. I know I can’t ever fall in love again.”

Kai’s eyes soften. “Well, nobody said you had to.”

That’s true. Although, Jay is sure his parents will be disappointed to learn that they won’t be getting grandchildren. He and Nya had talked about children a lot. Just as much as they’d talked about marriage. They were just waiting for the right time. 

Maybe they’d missed it. 

“Just so you know,” Kai then says, “I wouldn’t hold it against you if you ever did date again.”

Jay nods. It certainly is nice to hear that from Kai, but Nya was the only one for him. His heart was and is committed only to her.  
______________________________________

“What are the guys doing?” Jay asks one day. He feels bad about it, but he hasn’t talked to any of his other brothers in months. He has no idea how they are. To think he hasn’t even cared all this time... it made Jay’s stomach feel sour. 

But his head’s a little clearer and his heart’s a little fuller now. 

Kai hums. “Last I heard, Zane was working in orphanages. Lloyd went back to school. And Cole...” A frown forms on Kai’s face. 

Zane and orphans, and Lloyd and school. It makes sense. Zane’s always had a soft spot in his heart for orphans. And Lloyd’s always wanted to experience normal school. 

Kai sighs in frustration. “Cole won’t answer my calls.”

Jay blinks. That’s certainly worrisome. Ignoring a few text messages is one thing. Cole does that all the time. But when Cole’s ignoring phone calls, that almost always means something is wrong. 

“I’m sure he’s fine. Probably just being a hermit or something,” Kai says when he see the worry on Jay’s face. “He’ll call when he feels like it.”

Unless something was wrong. Jay knows Cole’s habits, good and bad, pretty well. He closes in on himself when there’s something wrong. He bottles things up and doesn’t let anyone in until he nearly shatters. 

Hopefully, that’s not the case. But Jay can’t help but feel concern. 

Concern for someone... Jay hasn’t been able to feel that in a long time. He feels almost normal.  
______________________________________

Jay’s had more good days recently. He feels half-normal, and actually has energy, and can look at a photo of Nya without crying. But bad days still happen; days he misses Nya so much, it’s a physical ache, and he can’t get out of bed, and all he wants to do is sleep. 

It’s a bad day. 

Kai barges into his room with a wide, pearly grin on his face. 

“I have news,” he says. 

Jay blinks tiredly at him. Then he rolls over. “Whatever it is, I don’t care,” he mutters. He’s not in the mood for anything today. 

Kai suddenly grabs his shoulder, forcing Jay to look at him. “You don’t care,” Kai begins, smirking, “that Cole had a baby?”

...

Jay shoots upright, wide-eyed. “What?!” he exclaims in disbelief. 

Kai laughs. “That’s what I said!”

Jay splutters. “Cole had a—had a—a what?!”

Kai’s laughter dies down and he swipes a joyful tear from his eye. “Cole had a baby. It’s a girl,” he says. 

Jay’s jaw hangs open. He can’t believe this.

“I know! I was shocked too!” Kai laughs again before going to the closet. He rummages around, then tosses a blue suitcase on the bed at Jay’s feet. “Pack your stuff. We’re going to see him.”

Jay most certainly does not want to stay in bed all day anymore, energy surging through him. He gets up and goes to gather some clothes from his drawer. 

He has so many questions.  
______________________________________

Her name is Lilly. And she’s beautiful. 

Jay is holding Cole’s baby in his arms. She’s so small and has a head of thick black hair, just like Cole. 

“Sorry I didn’t call you guys sooner,” Cole apologizes, setting the tea tray on the low table and sitting down beside Jay. “I just...” He rubs the back of his head, “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

Kai’s in the bathroom. He hasn’t seen Lilly yet. Cole just brought her out after hearing her wake up on the baby monitor.

Jay stares down at her, like she’s a diamond.

“How are you, by the way?” Cole then asks, studying Jay. The last time they saw each other, Jay was a broken mess. 

Jay sighs sadly and decides to be honest. Cole can always tell when he’s lying anyway. 

“A little better,” he says truthfully, “I mean, it’s gotten easier. But... I still feel Nya’s absence.”

Cole nods. “I do too,” he says, “It’s gotten better, but...” Cole goes quiet. 

Jay doesn’t need him to finish his sentence though. He understands. 

Lilly coos up at Jay.

Jay looks at her and smiles gently. “Hi there,” he speaks softly, “Nice to meet you. I’m your Uncle Jay.”

“Baba,” Lilly coos.

Jay chuckles. “I guess I’m ‘Baba’,” he says with a smile and looks at Cole. His smile fades when he notices the bags under Cole’s eyes. “Something happened, huh?”

Cole blinks at him. “What?”

“I know you, Cole. Something happened. That’s why you didn’t call for so long.” Jay’s eyes softened. “What happened?” he asks gently.

Cole silently stares at the floor for a moment or so. Jay waits. Then Cole digs the heels of his palms against his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. 

“Lilly’s mother left us,” he whispers. 

Jay frowns in empathy. “I’m so sorry, Cole.”

Cole sighs again. Then he looks at Lilly. “I’m so scared I’m going to mess things up for her. Or mess her up,” he says, his eyes getting watery. He swipes a hand beneath his nose, sniffling quietly. 

“You won’t mess her up,” Jay tells him. 

“I’m scared to.”

“Well you don’t have to be,” Jay says comfortingly. “You take care of people, Cole. You’ve always taken care of me, and Kai, and Lloyd, and Zane... and Nya... You’re good at taking care of people.”

Cole hesitates. He glances uncertainly at Jay. “You mean that?” he asks, and Jay thinks there’s too much vulnerability in his voice. He needs to be reminded of how strong and amazing he is. 

Jay bumps Cole’s shoulder with his own. “I mean it.”

A weight seems to disappear from Cole’s back. Then he smiles and bumps Jay’s shoulder.

When Kai is out of the bathroom, Cole lets him hold Lilly. He sits down on the sofa with her in his arms, gazing at her in wonder, as if there’s a million stars dancing in her eyes. 

Kai swallows. “She’s b-beautiful,” his voice cracks. Then suddenly, Kai is sobbing. 

Jay can’t remember the last time he saw Kai cry. He doesn’t know what to do. 

Cole sits down beside Kai, putting his arm gently around him. “I know you’ve gone through a hard time too,” he says in understanding. 

Kai sobs harder. “She’s so beautiful. Just like Nya was.” He looks at Cole, tears pouring down his cheeks. “I held Nya when she was a baby. I still remember.”

Cole rubs Kai’s shoulder in comfort. Kai leans against him. 

Jay can’t help but shed a few tears himself.  
______________________________________

A question rattles inside Jay’s head on the car ride home. After about an hour of driving, nothing but the sound of soft music between them, Jay decides to ask. 

“K—“

“Want to see your parents?”

Jay blinks. “What?”

Kai’s driving, so he doesn’t look at him. “Do you want to see your parents? We can stop in before we head back.”

“Okay,” Jay says. It has been awhile since he last visited his mom and dad. “That sounds nice.”

Kai nods. “Okay.”

Jay tries again. “Kai—“

Kai chooses that moment to turn up the radio. 

Jay glares at him, then turns the radio back down. “Kai, I’m trying to ask you something.”

“I know what you’re gonna ask!” Kai exclaims, eyebrows pinched in a scowl. 

Jay waits. 

Kai huffs in frustration. “You’re gonna ask if I’m okay. Which I am!”

Jay’s face softens. “Are you sure?”

Kai growls in his throat. “It’s not the end of the world just because I cried at Cole’s. I’m fine.”

Jay looks down. “I didn’t give you the time to mourn, did I?”

Kai frowns. “What?”

Guilt twists inside Jay’s chest. “Because you were taking care of me—which, you kinda still are, I guess. Because of me, you haven’t been able to be properly sad.”

Kai is quiet. Then he sighs. “That’s not it,” he says.

Jay blinks at him and waits again.

Kai grips the steering wheel. “I don’t deserve to be sad.”

“What?” Jay asks incredulously, “Of course you deserve to be sad, Kai. Nya was your sister.”

“I took her away from you!” Kai suddenly exclaims. 

Jay stares at him. “What?”

Kai sniffles. “I wasn’t there to protect her. She died because of me. It was my fault.”

Jay slowly puts his hand on Kai’s shoulder. “That’s what you’ve thought all this time?”

Kai is tense under his touch. “I took her away from you.”

“Kai, she was taken from both of us. It wasn’t your fault.”

Kai pulls over and stops the car because he’s starting to cry. “It hurt so much. And then I saw you and you were so broken. And I realized it was my fault.”

Jay squeezes his shoulder, shaking his head. “It was nobody’s fault, least of all yours.”

Kai sobs and drops his head to his knees. “I’m sorry, Jay. I took her away from you. You loved each other so much. I’m so sorry—“

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jay squeaks. He’s trying hard not to, but he’s starting to cry too. 

“It was my fault. It was all my fault.”

Jay swipes irritably at the tears in his eyes. “Fine, you can think what you want!” he says. Then he squeezes Kai’s shoulder. “But I don’t blame you.”

When Kai hugs him, burying his wet face in Jay’s chest, it...

It feels like true healing slowly flickers to life inside both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Nya! Why would I write something where she’s not alive??? I broke my own heart :(


End file.
